Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, the thinks you can think.” I can attest to having all manner of thinks, but I seem to have departed from the text (there I go again, different author) and kept them to myself.
Some might say I’m working hard, doing well, taking care of so many responsibilities. Some might say I’m hiding and dodging responsibilities. I think I might be doing a little of it all. I didn’t mean to be hiding, but I think I have been, to an extent.
I’m tired. For all the good days and blessings and laughter and joys, I’m still sad about so many things. And I get overwhelmed, so I par down to the absolute necessities and ignore the rest. I guess that has translated into avoidance and distraction. When I had a request for three crocheted scarves, I abandoned everything else, turned on “Bones” and grabbed by hook. It’s easy to crochet and watch a show; and I can ignore everything else and just lose myself in the show and the project. So, instead of staying immersed in editing “Mountain Healing” and continuing to journal and write, I’ve hidden and avoided writing. Not a completely horrible thing, though, I believe God has been working in the midst of even the avoidance, but it’s also been discouraging.
Now, I say “ignore everything”, and yet I know that’s not accurate. I’ve started a part-time job outside of my home and I’ve attended five out of six vendor fairs. And crocheted five scarves. So, not a complete abandonment. And yet, I have these thoughts and ideas of things I’d like to have done, but they aren’t getting done. I live as a double-sided coin (or is that a double-edged sword?) – pleased with and thankful for God’s provision and opportunities in my day-to-day, and disappointed with my lack of accomplishments on the whole. But I know that isn’t completely right either.
Oh, I’m a jumble of thoughts. Do you see why I’ve stayed away from the journaling thing? It’s truly easier to ignore the thoughts instead of processing them all out. If I process them all out, I then become accountable to doing something about them. I have opportunities, callings, and responsibilities. All good things; blessings. And yet, I’m tired. And doing the things isn’t nearly as satisfying and fulfilling when done without someone with whom to share them. Sigh… So, I don’t do them. And then I feel incomplete for not having done them. It’s a vicious cycle. Do you ever find yourself in a similar cycle?
What to do? Well, I want to finish what I started. Oh, I’ve finished the scarves order, so blessed by that opportunity. I have one final vendor fair to attend (tomorrow! Eek! I should be preparing for that!). I think I’m making good progress on learning the new job. And I just finished “Bones”. I truly feel that God has been using the time to work a few things out in me. I do find myself ready to be done with this version of pondering and move forward. I don’t know if it’s the holidays or the change of season or all the activity or what, but I feel ready to move another step forward. It’s hard for me to find my own motivation to ignore the distractions and stay the course without a supporter or encourager. Dr. Seuss wrote, “un-slumping yourself is not easily done,” and he was right. I do eventually un-slump myself, in my own timing. I know my timing is slow, but I’ve learned to accept it, appreciate it even. (There’s a new thought I’ve thinked and will be writing about later, too.)
So, earlier this year I said my voice would not be silenced, nor my pen stilled, and I meant it. Dare I say, once I’m ready – watch out! God has something amazing for me to share, and “Oh, the places (I) will go!”
#Discover your own pace. Always #LiveYourFaithBoldly and #LoveOnPurpose. Until next time…